Now I know

No matter how big our hearts are when it comes to loving all our babies, the truth is that a parent’s initial birth experience is unparalleled. What happens with the firstborn— particularly from pregnancy to delivery—is its own sacred once-in-a-lifetime moment. My own first child’s 40th birthday on July 29 has been a reminder of just such an impact.

Finding out in late fall 1981 that she was on the way explained why the Thanksgiving meal did not sit right with me. Sharing the news with family and college friends and co-workers was another level of joy. Experiencing a more attentive husband brought hope to what was a troubled marriage. Eating better, walking more, and praying specifically for a healthy baby were not daily “chores” but instinctive maternal actions.

But these were not what distinguished my firstborn miracle from the other baby that I would bring into the world five years later. With Emily, I went through all of the above, too. What, then, was it that set apart my first baby’s arrival?

The revelation came two weeks after my labor and delivery in Snyder. It would be Mrs. Watkins, one of my beloved high school English teachers, who verbalized what I had been unable to put into words. As she sat with me near a sleeping Julie, she gently whispered, “Now you know.”

This wise soul then held my hands in hers, looked in my eyes, and offered her pearl of wisdom. “Loving our children is our best chance of understanding God’s love for us.”

None of what she said was meant to say that having children was the only way to find some sort of nirvana-type love. I like to think that Mrs. Watkins and I would agree that the Creator provides many channels to unconditional love.

To this day, I can replay the events—almost to the hour—of what took place forty years ago on July 29. In the days and weeks following, each smile made us smile; a burp was a victory. Nothing was insignificant in the eyes of first-time parents. I kept a monthly log of Julie’s “firsts” and of her height and weight.

And she wasn’t the only one who grew.

My heart expanded, making room for the uniquely sacred love that exists between a parent and a child.

Snyder, Texas, native Sue Jane Sullivan is a retired schoolteacher whose thought-provoking commentary appears occasionally in several West texas newspapers, including The Texas Spur and The Caprock Courier.