Taking to the podium

Biblical Hero Noah Holds Press Conference (translated from Hebrew and Aramaic to English by this reporter) Press Secretary Paul (yes, THAT Paul):

Noah will make an opening statement and then take a few questions from reporters.

Noah: Good morning. On behalf of Shem, Ham and Japheth, and my wife and daughtersin- law, thank you for attending today’s press conference. For the record, the writers of the Old Testament did not give these ladies enough credit for all they did on that zoo party boat. I would like to take this time to thank my wife Kate and our daughters-in-law Betty Jo, Billie Jo, and Bobbie Jo.

It was corruption and violence that brought about the flood that destroyed humankind a long, long time ago. Here we are again. And, as before, you have a chance to right the ship. This time there is no ark, no rainbow, no pretty little doves flying around with olive branches. You know what to do and are not doing it. That’s the message. The Lord has spoken; he who has ears, let him hear. I am open for a couple of questions. Yes, you on the second row.

Methuselah,JerusalemGazette: Hey, Noah, long time, no see. Yes, I am still around. As your grandfather, first let me say how proud I am of you for showing up. What is your advice on getting humankind to get their act together?

Noah: Hello, Pappy. I gotta say, for someone your age, you look marvelous. As for advice, we have tried that avenue. The Bible is filled with advice. Humankind continues to be drawn to elements that lead to bad choices: greed, ambition, lying, envy, dissension. They might say the Devil makes them do it, but good grief. Quit blaming the fallen angel for everything. At some point, humankind needs to hold itself accountable.

Peter, The Galilee Times: Huge fan, here. Grew up reading about you. You had 120 years to try to get people to wake up and “right the ship,” as you say. Are you worried that humankind today is running out of time?

Noah: Of course, I’m worried. I’m embarrassed, too. Humankind has access to all kinds of information today with the click of a button. But, as my friend Charles Dickens wrote, these are “the best of times and the worst of times, the age of wisdom and the age of foolishness.” Unfortunately, posers like Ananias and Sapphira are rampant. I bet few people know today about the work that Tabitha did. And yet….

Peter: Yes? Noah: I keep thinking about what that little Jewish girl wrote in her diary, all the while knowing there was an evil that existed among “very fine people” who wanted to erase her race of people from the earth. I think I’ll close my press conference with Anne Frank’s words, not mine.

“I simply can’t build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery, and death. I see the world gradually being turned into a wilderness, I hear the ever-approaching thunder, which will destroy us, too, I can feel the sufferings of millions and yet, if I look up into the heavens, I think that it will all come out right, that this cruelty too will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again.”

Paul: That’s all the time we have for questions today. We hope to hear from Jesus next week, who wanted me to share with you that due to the current drought, he will not be walking on water or turning water into wine. His conservation policies will remain in effect until further notice or until the Second Coming or until climate change burns us up—whichever comes first.

Snyder, Texas, native Sue Jane Sullivan is a retired schoolteacher whose thought-provoking commentary appears occasionally in several West texas newspapers, including The Texas Spur and The Caprock Courier.